Bob reports that he felt excluded from the bonding between Jeannie and his son. Having been neglected himself as a child, Bob became jealous of the attention Jeannie was giving their son. Once again, he was being left out) now as husband and father rather than son. Bob resented the loss of time as a couple, and did not like their child sleeping in their bed. He became increasingly fearful about being a capable parent, felt guilty about his own feelings of rivalry with his son. His “insecurities kicked in” and Bob tried to escape through alcohol and drugs.
Frequently, the issue of time spent in doing something other than child-rearing is heightened because both of the partners work full-time and late evenings are often filled with completing the household chores that neither partner can do during the day. Many couples we interviewed reported very little time for talking or sex. They are left with an exhausted snuggle at the end of a very long day. Many couples also do not enjoy Rebecca and Bill’s capacity to look beyond their immediate child-rearing problems to the gratification that they are receiving from this complex and demanding process. In the midst of hurt feelings about attention being devoted exclusively to a child or conflicts regarding who should change the diapers, it is often difficult for a couple to share a moment of mutual admiration for the important job they are doing in bringing a child into the world.
Child-rearing is often the source of contentious arguments regarding financial priorities and areas of responsibility, at least for couples who have young children living at home. Many couples we interviewed pointed to birth of their first or second child as a joyous event, but also the source of considerable strain in their relationship. The remarriage process is particularly common among couples with children who are trying to discover new ways in which to structure their relationship (including finances, attitudes about home and possessions, career, and values)—often while their children are also exploring new ways of relating to their parents, siblings, friends and the world in general.
