LOVE LINGERS HERE: INTIMATE ENDURING RELATIONSHIPS XV. PLATE TWO: BEING A BREADWINNER (PRODUCING SOCIO-ECONOMIC VIABILITY/CAREERS)

LOVE LINGERS HERE: INTIMATE ENDURING RELATIONSHIPS XV. PLATE TWO: BEING A BREADWINNER (PRODUCING SOCIO-ECONOMIC VIABILITY/CAREERS)

Would it be easy for Sam to leave a career in the church to pursue a more lucrative career? Obviously, it is always hard for anyone to leave something with which they are familiar and to abandon a career that they find to be personally fulfilling. In the case of Caroline and Sam, abandoning a career in the church would be particularly difficult, for their identity as a couple is fused with their commitment to the church. Both Sam and Caroline observed that members of the church in which both of them were involved at the time they met were eager to recognize them as a couple. Caroline added at this point that she discovered later that several members of the church had “set it up” so that Sam and she would meet at this certain function. They both report that they have seldom had friends outside the particular church where they happen to be since they have met.

A further problem contributes to Caroline and Sam’s conflict which concerns Caroline’s ambivalence regarding Sam’s career and her own parents’ devaluing of this career. It is quite clear to Caroline that Sam eats, sleeps and breaths church music. It is in this context that he finds his identity as a successful professional. Success for Sam is determined by the quality of his work rather than by economic standards. Part of Caroline seems to agree with her parents that directing church choirs is first of all not “any kind of career” and second, not anything which could be called a “successful career,” primarily because it doesn’t pay any money to speak of. Yet, another part of Caroline does not agree with this assessment, because in order to be part of Sam’s life, she must accept his dedication to church music as a career, regardless of how she or anyone else feels about it.

Caroline finds herself in what family therapists call a “double bind.” She wants to support Sam and his career because she knows his work is gratifying for him and because this is the only way in which she can remain in relationship with him; yet, in doing so she feels that she is encouraging his financial irresponsibility and his unwillingness to confront the inadequacies of this career over the long run.

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About the Author

William Bergquist

William BergquistWilliam Bergquist, Ph.D. An international coach and consultant, professor in the fields of psychology, management and public administration, author of more than 45 books, and president of a graduate school of psychology. Dr. Bergquist consults on and writes about personal, group, organizational and societal transitions and transformations. His published work ranges from the personal transitions of men and women in their 50s and the struggles of men and women in recovering from strokes to the experiences of freedom among the men and women of Eastern Europe following the collapse of the Soviet Union. In recent years, Bergquist has focused on the processes of organizational coaching. He is coauthor with Agnes Mura of coachbook, co-founder of the International Journal of Coaching in Organizations and co-founder of the International Consortium for Coaching in Organizations. His graduate school (The Professional School of Psychology: www.psychology.edu) offers Master and Doctoral degrees in both clinical and organizational psychology to mature, accomplished adults.

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