Most couples do not live at either extreme of the enmeshment disengagement continuum. They somehow establish a balance between enmeshment and disengagement. They discover a sense of interdependence; yet they still face many challenges regarding this critical balance between attachment and freedom. It seems that while enduring issues regarding enmeshment and disengagement concern the degree of interconnectedness within a relationship, there are also typically ongoing issues concerning the degree of interconnectedness between the couple, on the one hand, and the outside world, on the other hand. System theorists define this as the extent to which the relationship is open or closed.
Relationships tend to be open with regard to the interaction between a couple and the outside world if they are deeply enmeshed in the extended families of one or both of the partners. We found that this was most often the case when one or more of the partners come from a traditional nonwestern culture or a western culture that places a particular value on loyalty to family of origin (parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, and even cousins).
This openness and enmeshment within the family constellation was certainly the case for Jamal, who was born in an Arab country, but has lived in the United States for sixteen years. He is an engineer, attends graduate school, and married a broadcast manager, Suzanne, six years ago. Jamal noted that: “I have a lot of responsibilities. I’m torn between the two — my family and Suzanne.” He went on to explain that in his culture, it is ingrained in you from the day you are born that you will take care of your parents, especially if you are the eldest son. Jamal said that it is often impossible for Americans to understand this commitment because they do not come from the same background, or uphold the same traditions and hold the same cultural expectations. He added, “you do not choose between your family and your wife. They become one.” Thus, we have a classic example of a very open system. The family of origins is merged with the relationship between oneself and one’s partner.
