As in the case of virtually every long-term couple we interviewed, the stage of performing has never been one of eternal, unaltering bliss for Jamal and Suzanne. Rather, performing for most couples requires frequent readjustments and even several remarriages in order for the relationship to endure. In the case of Jamal and Suzanne, many adjustments have been made and they were in the midst of a remarriage process at the point we interviewed them. While both Jamal and Suzanne were initially eager to participate in the interview, they wished they had never agreed to participate by the time that the interview actually occurred, given a recurrence in their struggle regarding Jamal’s extended family. Their current struggle emerged when they were asked what they see as “the most difficult thing you had to weather in your relationship.” Their response indicated that the “most difficult thing” is occurring right now. It became clear that their cultural upbringing was a major difference and much further reaching than any individual differences between them could ever be. Thus, the outside world in this open relationship became more. Important than their personal differences and interactions (as would be the case in a more closed or disengaged relationship).
Suzanne immediately responded to the question by identifying “his family” as the most difficult thing.: “It’s not like they are awful. It’s the whole idea of having to share him. It’s so unlike our society.” She went on to explain that she would never really be his main concern because of the commitment he feels toward his family and it is just understood by his parents that they would move in with them if they ever married. At this point in their relationship, Jamal’s parents have not moved in, because Jamal and Suzanne have never made the formal commitment to get married. But, now is the time to make a commitment (at least in Suzanne’s mind) and this commitment brings the issue of Jamal’s parents to the fore.
Over the past year, the issue of mutual commitment has become even more poignant because both of them have increased their commitments outside their relationship, which provides further evidence of an open relationship. Suzanne recently returned to college and is opening a small boutique. Jamal has become a partner in a flower shop and has decided to extend his graduate studies to include a doctoral degree. When asked why they made these additional commitments during the past year, Jamal quickly replied that he is pursuing the flower shop for extra money and pursuing a doctoral degree so that he can eventually teach at a university. Suzanne hesitated before she said that maybe it was a “safety net.” She went on to explain that she was filling- her life with other commitments in case the relationship with Jamal did not work out. Jamal did not seem to be surprised by this statement. They had obviously talked about this.
