Home Personal Psychology Clinical Psychology Love Lingers Here: Intimate Enduring Relationships–VII. The Marker Event: Establishing a Commitment as a Couple

Love Lingers Here: Intimate Enduring Relationships–VII. The Marker Event: Establishing a Commitment as a Couple

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Sheila admits that children would imply commitment: “I think for me it has a lot to do with not being sure I want to make that kind of commitment, that lifetime commitment.” Dave agrees, though (like many other young people) he introduces a financial variable into the equation that seems to fuse with his concern about commitment:

. . . Yeah, [not making a lifetime commitment is] strong for me too. In part I have not felt financially ready. Intellectually, it’s a matter of birth control. But at a gut level it’s different. To me it’s centered a lot on a gut level of financial insecurity, never being ready to take that responsibility on, because if anything happens to me, she can take care of herself. I can take care of myself. But taking care of a kid is a whole different commitment.

Dave reminds us of Billy Bigelow, from the musical Carousel. In his famous soliloquy Billy confronts the need for financial stability when his wife, Julie, announces her pregnancy. He doesn’t feel that he needs money if he has a son, but “you’ve got to be a father [i.e. financially responsible] to a girl.” For both Billy and Dave, money and commitment are intimately linked together. Billy accepted the commitment, but went out and attempted a robbery to get the money, while Dave is trying to head this commitment off before it occurs by choosing (with Sheila) not to have children.

Sheila indicates that her concern about having children is more about “emotional” than “financial” commitment. When it comes to Dave, she still feels that she can walk out at any time and doesn’t have to really commit to him. It’s a different story when it comes to having children:

It takes a lot to emotionally commit to a child for the rest of your life! What if you don’t like the kid, what if you got tired of taking care of someone all the time? You can’t just walk away. What if the child has problems? These problems are always there. They don’t go away. Things can go wrong. You have to live with that and I don’t know that I’m willing to take that chance.

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