For some gay and lesbian couples, such as Lita and Celia, there has never been a marker event, because they have never been able to disclose their sexual orientation in a public forum. They have their own private sense of being a couple, but have never had this status acknowledged or supported through a. public event. Unfortunately, in the case of Lita and Celia this lack of public recognition impacted negatively not only on the two of them, but also on Lita’s children, who had to directly confront their mother’s orientation after Celia moved in with them (six months after she met Lita). Because there was no public recognition of their relationship and because of the hostility exhibited by Lita’s children, Celia moved out within seven months and returned to her former lover. Celia hated confrontation and conflict, and tended to retreat or sulk rather than confront either Lita or her children.
Even after leaving Lita’s home, Celia knew that she should be with Lita. They gradually began seeing each other again and, after a very long, stormy period of time, found a way to live together, despite a lack of public acknowledgement or family support. Two years prior to their interview—and twenty nine years after they started living together — Lita and Celia participated in a Holy Union ceremony at their church. When asked why they waited so long, Celia replied: “we didn’t know that we could until we started attending [this church.]” While Lita said that this really didn’t make any difference, Celia painfully and emotionally recounted (after Lita left for a doctor’s appointment) that this ceremony and public recognition was very important to both she and Lita. Through her tears, Celia disclosed that Lita’s cancer may have returned (following two previous bouts with the disease) and that this public commitment was a way in which she could fully express her deep and abiding love for Lita.
Clearly the issue of acceptance is a very important issue for any couple (for example, an interracial couple or a young couple that is viewed in some sense as “deviant” by other members of our society. Given that the issue of acceptance may be a struggle for many couples, it was particularly poignant during the past two decades among couples who faced the awesome problems associated with HIV status and AIDS. Kevin and Alan were fortunate in that both are HIV negative. Many other gay couples were not been so fortunate. They may have previously ignored their families because they were never accepted by them, but at the point when they faced their own possible, premature death from AIDS-related illness, these men wanted to reconnect with their family, but not at the expense of losing their loved one. They were asking that finally their families accept their status as gay men and accept the presence of another man that they love in their life. Their families at this point could chose to withhold their acceptance, and risk losing an irretrievable period of mutual caring and support with their sons or forgo their old prejudices and biases and come to a more realistic and hopefully joyful recognition that this person in their son’s life is loved by their son and therefore should be loved, or at least accepted, by themselves.
