Sadly, Kitty and Mark share many common interests and have built a life together that is filled with wonderful moments. They have both been involved in the same business, own property jointly, and have jointly spent time, money and energy refurbishing the houses that they own together. Yet, they cannot come together with regard to the level and type of commitment that each needs of the other person. Mark seems to be frightened by a formal commitment, perhaps because it would mean that Kitty exerts even more control over his life. On the other hand, Kitty seems to need the offer of marriage from Mark in part because he is not very expressive in any manner (his “shyness”) about his feelings toward Kitty. She lives with ambiguity about Mark’s feelings, and Mark lives in fear of Kitty’s intentions to control things. They have not yet found a way to meet each other’s needs without feeding each other’s fears. The dance of commitment continues, with Kitty still in pursuit and Mark in retreat.
Key Points
Enduring couples:
• At the heart of their relationship maintain affection, shared interests, and the capacity to honor and build on their differences.
• Experience marker events that were either one special event or many small ones that required a mutual commitment of both partners to the relationship.
• Use marker events to obtain a new level of commitment and/or to create an identity for the couple which becomes a part of the couple’s psychological covenant.
